3 Essential Coaching Questions for Pastors

I had coffee a few months ago with someone I know who is struggling with addiction. After a few minutes of friendly chatter - we got to talking about life.

He was telling me about a problem he's having at work. He's not sure if he can continue in his job. The details are not really important, but the conversation quickly went into problem solving his work issues. It wasn't where I intended the conversation to go. It wasn't where it should have gone. Frankly - since I am not at his workplace, I really don't know enough to speak intelligently into the situation. But for about 45 minutes we talked about strategies he could use to improve his job situation. Everything from trying to win over his co-workers to quitting and finding a different job.

I'm a pastor. This was a complete waste of time. How could I avoid it?

Coaching is popular in leadership circles.

"I don't have all the answers. I'm just here to help you process."

Not really. But as a pastor - it might be helpful. In my pastoral work. In my discipleship work. In my leadership.

So I've been reading a book called, The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier. I'm halfway through. There is a lot of fluff. Most books are full of fluff. The ideas are generally simple. It's having the discipline to apply them that is hard.

So he outlines 7 questions he feels are essential for good coaching. Here are the first three.

1. SO WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

If the coaching relationship is formal and the person has come to you - this seems like a great question. But I'm looking for adaptations to use when I have initiated the meet up.

Frankly as a pastor, what I find is that most people I minister to are too stressed out and busy to intentionally seek our spiritual coaching. To be sure - many of the problems I see are spiritual in nature. I often say if I could just get people to do what Jesus said do and not do what Jesus said not to do, most people I know would see huge improvements in their lives and the lives around them. But we don't.

We seek technical answers to spiritual problems. We seek psychological answers to spiritual problems. We medicinal (often self-medication with drugs or alcohol) to spiritual problems.

If I invite someone to coffee, I can't start with "So what's on your mind?" It would be weird and kind of a violation of purpose. So what about "So what's going on?" Or simply "How's it going?"

I think these accomplish the same goal.

2. Stanier's second question is, AND WHAT ELSE?

Depending on how open people are about what's going on in their lives - this may or may not be needed.

For me - the key is - this question can help me avoid jumping to solutions. If you jump to solutions too early - you make mistakes because you don't have a real diagnosis yet. Also - in the "coaching" paradigm, you don't really want to be the expert who solves problems. You want to come along side someone and help people solve their own problems.

3. The third question is: SO WHAT'S THE REAL CHALLENGE HERE FOR YOU?

This is forcing the other person to do the hard work of real diagnosis. It allows you to narrow the focus onto one key challenge ("not that all these things we've talked about aren't important, but what's the real (or ONE KEY) challenge here")? Good stuff.

The "for you" forces this to be personal. Avoids abstractions.

I can see how using the entire question might be overkill in some situations. There are variations. "What aspect of this is the biggest challenge for you right now?"

All these are diagnostic. But the idea is that we jump to solutions too quickly. As a leader - if you are always bringing the solution, then the capacity is severely limited. Your job (my job) is to help others gain the confidence and (spiritually) relationship with God necessary to lead themselves (and others).

Hope this helps. I wrote this blog mostly for myself.