A Paradox: Being a Good Pastor Requires that You Stop Caring
Buddhism helped me see this.
In Buddhism there is this idea that we must detach ourselves from our desires, our passions, the things we really really want.
Somehow doing that is supposed to remove the anxiety we have trying to control everything, trying to get our way about things and THAT enables us to embrace life as it is, not as we want it to be.
There is some truth in that. There is also great danger.
Detachment CAN lead to freedom to love and accept. It can also (and I'd argue more often leads) lead to a fatalistic cynicism.
But I'm less interested in the flaw, than in the truth. And there is something true about the idea that we have to give up our agenda for people in order to truly love them.
For example - a number of years ago I was called late one night to the home of a church member. The wife called. "Dave (not his real name) is drunk again. He's threatening to leave. He's threatening to hurt himself. Can you come over?"
I went.
She wanted a witness.
Dave was in the church leadership. He was one of those calm, cool, thoughtful people you wouldn't believe could misbehave. Much less veer into abusive territory with his spouse.
Sam got her witness. And Dave was embarrassed. He didn't want to be seen that way. It was a secret sin. Only known to him, Sam, and their kids. And now me.
He was so upset he left the church. He told people he and I just couldn't get along.
I wanted to tell people the truth. I wanted Dave to have to tell people the truth. I was so upset, I didn't sleep well for weeks.
A mentor of mine said, "Your problem is that you care too much."
What?
"Yes, you care too much. You need to love Dave and Sam and their kids right now. But it's driving you nuts what Dave is doing. You want to love him because he's lovable. So you are desperate for him to change."
Right.
"You need to love him because God loves him. And because God loves you. If you insist of Dave behaving, then your love is gonna fail. Because odds are Dave isn't going to behave. He might. We pray for that. But we know it might not, probably will not, happen. You've got to love him anyway."
My friend was right. The only way for me to respond to Dave with love was for me not to care. Not to expect to get love from Dave. Because I probably wasn't going to.
And so I loved Dave for God's sake, not for Dave's. And I've had to do that over and over again as a pastor. I've had to swallow my wounded pride after being treated horribly and just love.
Hope this helps someone. If so, pass it on.
Stewart
