How to Deal with Resistance Part 1

I was reading a fitness website today that was giving tips for how to deal with the different responses you get from family and friends when you try to eat healthier and get in shape. As I read, it occurred to me that the exact same range of reactions occur when we try to take positive steps with God spiritually. So here are the range of responses the fitness site said you could expect...

1. You share your plans with your family and friends to be more health conscious. They respect your choices, and offer their support and encouragement. If you are living together, you discuss what the new approach to food and grocery shopping will be and how you will organize your fridge and pantry. You begin to inspire those around you with your dedication and results, and pretty soon it is a group effort and focus.

This happens spiritually. Sometimes you announce plans to better your relationships with God, with other people and with God's world and all your get is support. In fact, if we are honest sometimes those we love have been waiting and praying we'd have some sort of epiphany. The Hallelujahs can be heard from far away! But there are other responses that are just as common.

2. Your new lifestyle receives a mixed or lukewarm reception. Those around you are not interested in health or fitness as a general rule, and as long as your exercising and eating habits don’t disturb them in anyway they are happy to leave you alone. There might be some grumbling now and then about all the fresh veggies in the fridge crowding out the cans of beer and pop, but other than that no one is interested enough to take much notice. This can be frustrating at times, because you often wish that your partner / family members or friends shared your passion for self improvement so that you would have someone to share the journey with. Other times you shake these feelings of isolation off and are grateful at least that while you may not have their active support for your new lifestyle, at least they are leaving you alone to pursue it.

This response seems fair. You don't bother them, they don't bother you. In reality it's harder than you think. Living life alone, especially when you are trying to do something that requires self-control and perseverance is hard. That's one reason why getting a supportive community around you is important. This is true for diet and fitness. It's also true spiritual. The church should be that supportive community. It's really important to find the right fit. It's also true that very rarely do positive changes you make in your life spiritually have little or no effect on those around you. Changes in you impact all your surroundings. So despite the fact that family and friends say they you are free to do what you want as long as it doesn't affect them... that is rarely the case. More often than not the real response is...

3. Your new lifestyle is met passive aggressively by friends and family. If you have been down this road you know that it is not pleasant. Just short of open hostility, you find yourself dealing with off hand and snide comments whenever you mention your exercise or eating habits. Changes that you have made to your approach to food and taking time out of your day to exercise may be met with little off the cuff jokes that leave you feeling hurt or insulted. Underneath it all you can sense this vibe of resentment simmering to anger, and this confuses you because you never expected this from your closest friends and family. You stop talking about exercising and diet because the reactions, comments and jokes it sets up makes you feel uncomfortable. You may not enjoy eating in these groups anymore, and your new lifestyle becomes something that you almost feel you need to hide. The pull to give up and normalize your family and social relationships makes it easy to cheat your diet and skip workouts – especially when the reward is acceptance.

This is actually the most common response when we take positive steps spiritually. It's amazing to me how similar the reactions are.

4. Open resentment and hostility. Those around you are only too happy to ridicule you for even thinking about fitness health and exercise. They make it clear that they won’t be changing their diet or habits in any way shape of form just because you have decided to make these “ridiculous” changes. Instead of supporting and encouraging you or at the very least staying neutral, their pep talks consist of trying to talk you out of being active and they try to sabotage your diet at every turn. It starts to get nasty – they bring home deep dish pizza’s and make fun of you for eating your chicken salad. You might hear from those around you that there is nothing you can do about your body shape because “that is just the way you are” and you “might as well accept it”. There is no flexibility with the grocery list and they resist making it easier for you in every way possible. Teenagers often find themselves locked in these types of situations, but it can happen in any family or group. Fighting against all of this pressure to conform is exhausting and when you add it to the discipline necessary to make the shift to daily exercise and a focused diet, it’s a mountain that most people find too difficult to climb.

This is less common but becoming more frequent when spiritual changes are happening. Often this is a result of family and/or friends being afraid they are loosing you. They think you've joined a cult or that you will abandon all family traditions and they come hard and fast and often with threats.

I'll post next week about some strategies to deal with these different reactions in constructive ways. I will say now though that fighting fire with fire rarely works. We want to remember that our families and friends love us. They want what's best for us... even if they are confused about what that might mean. Being aware of the range of possible responses in advance of facing them is one huge step toward dealing with them constructively.