How and why to say "no"

It might seem weird to have a pastor coach you on how to say "no". But I love people who say "no" to me. It frees me to ask again and takes the pressure off. If a person always says "yes" then I know they are saying "yes" when they should AND when they shouldn't. If a person says "no" to some things (not ALL things) then I know they are discerning and I feel free to ask in the future.

Do you have a difficult time saying no? I do. I am a people-pleaser. But I've found I have to say "no" to stay sane, to keep on mission, to honor important responsibilities and do my "yeses" as God intends.


Recently, I read an article written by Michael Hyatt who had just read a book called The Power of a Positive No: Save The Deal Save The Relationship and Still Say No by Harvard professor William Ury.

In the introduction to the book, the author explains that there are usually three responses to someone who asks us to do something we don’t want to do.

1. Accommodation: We say Yes when we want to say No. This usually comes when we value the relationship of the person making the request above the importance of our own interests.
2. Attack: We say no poorly. This is a result of valuing our own interests above the importance of the relationship. Sometimes we are fearful or resentful of the request and overreact to the person asking.
3. Avoidance: We say nothing at all. Because we are afraid of offending the other party, we say nothing, hoping the problem will go away. It rarely does.

Sometimes, these responses spill over into one another, making a difficult situation worse. For example, we initially avoid the request, prompting a second or third request. We then get annoyed and attack the one making the request. This leads to guilt, perhaps an apology, and then accommodation.

Dr. Ury offers an alternative that I think is helpful and biblical. He calls this a positive no.

This simple formula employs a “Yes-No-Yes” response. “In contrast to an ordinary No which begins with a No and ends with a No, a positive No begins with a Yes and ends with a Yes (p. 16).”

A positive No has three parts:

1. Yes: It begins by saying Yes to yourself and protecting what is important to you. I would also add the importance of affirming the other person.
2. No: It continues with a matter-of-fact No that sets clear boundaries. I also avoid leaving the door open by saying “maybe,” and in “maybe I can say Yes to your request in the future.”
3. Yes: A positive No ends with a Yes that affirms the relationship and offers another solution to the person’s request.

Michael Hyatt gave the following example that I found helpful...

...aspiring authors often e-mail me, asking that I review their book proposal. Here’s how I respond using the Yes-No-Yes formula.

Bill,

Congratulations on your new proposal. Very few authors make it this far. Thanks for your interest in having me review it.
Unfortunately, due to my other commitments, I am no longer able to review proposals. Therefore, I must decline.
However, I can give you some guidance on how to get published. If you haven’t already done so, may I recommend that you start by reading my blog post, “Advice for First Time Authors,” In it, I offer step-by-step instructions for what to do first.
Also, Thomas Nelson has a self-publishing imprint called WestBow Press. While this isn’t right for everyone, it might be appropriate for you, depending on your circumstances. You can read about it here.
I hope you will find this helpful.
Michael

How could you use this formula to stand your ground with grace?